For you newbies who are baffled, some basic info to help explain the running jokes (also the D.O.A. ones) which crop up all over the rest of this website.
Bad-guy jokes and German / German-accent jokes:
Jürgen Prochnow is a German actor who's played a lot of villains...
as well as some good guys (hooray!). His evil characters have a marked
penchant for torturing people.
Side note: he's also done a few roles that shouldn't have been played by an actor with a German accent. Not that he wasn't good in them, of course. In fact, those are some of our favorite performances. Just not necessarily for the right reasons.
"Wet" jokes:
DAS BOOT alone would be enough to provoke this, but Jürgen Prochnow
probably holds the record for Current Actor Who's Been Shown Sopping
Wet Most Often in the Movies. We like our Jürgen wet.
Running-over-people-with-a-car jokes:
Jürgen has run over people with a car - or tried to - or been run over himself in several movies. We find that inspiring. Especially having seen ROBIN HOOD: THE MOVIE.
Uma Thurman jokes:
In ROBIN HOOD: THE MOVIE Maid Marian (Uma Thurman) was engaged to
marry a villain (Prochnow). He was a lot nicer to her than she
was to him, and we have a grudge against her for that. A big one.
A big, permanent one - unless he gets to pay her back in another
movie someday. Our fingers are crossed.
Ingeborga Dapkunaite jokes:
Ingeborga played Jürgen's almost-lover in ON DANGEROUS GROUND. She's
a superb actress and we like her a lot. We also like using her name
as much as possible: Ingeborga, Ingeborga, Ingeborga. Dapkunaite.
(For a good dose of her work, check the foreign-movie section of your
local video rental store for BURNT BY THE SUN; it won the Oscar for
Best Foreign Film in 1994.)
Wolfgang Petersen / AIR FORCE ONE jokes:
Petersen directed DAS BOOT and AIR FORCE ONE. Prochnow was the star
of DAS BOOT; he had a cameo in AIR FORCE ONE - onscreen for about
a minute and a half, and no spoken lines. Don't get us wrong, we
love seeing Jürgen for any length of time in anything... but you'd
think Petersen, of all people, would know better than to waste him
like that. Boo hiss!
Twin Peaks / David Lynch jokes:
We got TWIN PEAKS: FIRE WALK WITH ME (directed by David Lynch) because
it was listed as one of Prochnow's credits. He was a much bigger
waste in that than he was in AIR FORCE ONE. A major waste, and a weird
one. But then, so was the movie. See the review of TWIN PEAKS: FIRE WALK
WITH ME. (It's not much of a review, but then...well, you can finish this
sentence yourself.)
Sigourney Weaver jokes:
See "The Saga of the Babes and the Ho's" for an explanation.
Hula jokes:
Jürgen did the hula...sort of...briefly...in KILL CRUISE. It's
horrifying, but most of us forgive him for it. The others are
doing well in therapy, thank you for asking. Ingeborga.
Kate Winslet / Leonardo Dicaprio / TITANIC jokes:
1. Because it is there.
2. See "All the Boots You Can Eat."
"Scuzz" and hygiene jokes:
A reference to Jürgen's appearance in KILL CRUISE. He spent most
of that movie looking pretty repellent...but we just couldn't tear
ourselves away from it.
Shark jokes:
Reference to the deaths-by-shark in HURRICANE SMITH.
Chopping-people-into-little-pieces,-mainly-Willem-Dafoe
jokes:
Remember THE ENGLISH PATIENT? Remember the scene which shows
how Willem Dafoe's character lost his thumbs? The Nazi who
interrogated him and then ordered his thumbs cut off was Jürgen
Prochnow. You go, Jürgen!
GETTYSBURG / Ted Turner jokes:
See the movie GETTYSBURG. Better yet, don't. (Yes, we know that Turner
Home Entertainment is reponsible for issuing some of Prochnow's movies on
video. That's no excuse.)
Ho jokes:
See "The Saga of the Babes and the Ho's." If you don't know what a "ho"
is ask your teenage kids, or someone who gets out of the house more than
you do.
Chris Roberts / WING COMMANDER jokes:
Jokes? What jokes?
Harold Perrineau / bear / armored bear jokes:
Defies any real explanation, but here goes. There is no connection
between Perrineau and Prochnow. (Not yet. Hope springs eternal.)
We like Perrineau a lot; he got eaten by a bear in THE
EDGE; and this evoked thoughts of Phillip Pullman's trilogy; check out
Pullman's novels, available in paperback in the sci-fi/fantasy section of
your local bookstore. The books have armored bears in them. We like
armored bears. Who doesn't?
Peter Sellars jokes:
That's Peter Sellars the opera director, not Peter Sellers the actor.
If you aren't familiar with the work of Mr. Sellars, then it's true
what they say. Ignorance is bliss.
Keanu Reeves jokes:
We're not sure how this started, but once it did, it seemed like a swell
idea. Ingeborga.
[Note: I didn't start it personally, but I was willing to play along because I'd never quite forgiven Keanu for DRACULA, even after all these years. Recently he redeemed himself with THE MATRIX; a million bucks wouldn't buy a complaint about his performance in that film. Even so, while I am now officially retired from Keanu-bashing - unless he screws up again later, of course - I'd still like to see Keanu be a good sport and let Jürgen knock his teeth out sometime, just for laughs. -ed.]
Val Kilmer jokes:
We like Val. Shut up.
Al Pacino jokes:
Oh, please.
Kickboxing jokes:
Reference to a scene in PASSION AND VALOR. A scene we'd like to forget,
but can't. See the review.
PID / parser jokes:
Related to computers & databases. If you don't know anything about PIDs or
parsers, ignorance is still bliss and we wish we were you.
OLIVER! jokes:
No reason whatsoever. It just happens sometimes, all by itself.
Rob jokes:
See Rob.
ALAAAAAAAAARM!!!
/ green meat / moldy bread jokes:
Haven't you seen DAS BOOT yet? Ingeborga Dapkunaite.
Roles-Jürgen-Prochnow-will-never-play jokes:
If this doesn't make sense, you've never seen Jürgen Prochnow in
your life. Go watch some movies!