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ALTERNATE ENDINGS FOR SOME OF JÜRGEN'S MOVIES
DAS BOOT
During the bombing raid, the Germans begin to sing "It's A Long Way to
Tipperary" to show whose side they're really on. The RAF pilots grin,
wave, and fly off.
DUNE
The Baron pulls out all of Duke Leto's teeth to torture him, then gets
killed by the poison tooth while stringing them into a necklace. Leto
lives and gets a new set of choppers.
THE FOURTH WAR
When Colonel Knowles falls through the ice, he really is dead. For
killing him, Colonel Valachev receives honors from both the Russians
AND the Americans.
A DRY WHITE SEASON
Stoltz only has a flesh wound. He marries the widowed Suzanne. The
next 10 minutes of the movie are directed by Quentin Tarantino, who sets
a whole new record for tasteless gore. No one survives but the dog.
HURRICANE SMITH
Charlie lands on a shark and rides it off into the horizon. The first
HURRICANE SMITH sequel opens with Charlie still out there, trying to
hitch a ride on the Titanic. Kate and Leo spit on him.
BEVERLY HILLS COP II
Rosewood accidentally stabs himself to death with that switchblade.
Taggart dies of circulatory failure caused by his ill-fitting clothing.
Axel Foley commits suicide after accidentally listening to himself talk
for a minute. Max still gets shot in the face, crushed, blown up, and
incinerated; but in addition to that, he also gets bitten by a scorpion,
has an arrow shot through his head, contracts smallpox, drowns, has a
massive coronary, chokes on a chicken bone, falls into a vat of acid, is
torn limb from limb by wild dogs, and drops 400 feet from a helicopter
into a school of sharks...'Cause dammit, otherwise how do we know that
bad guy is really DEAD?
THE ENGLISH PATIENT
This becomes a much shorter film, as once Jürgen starts having pieces
cut off of Willem Dafoe, he finds it's like eating potato chips: you
just can't stop till they're all gone.
KILL CRUISE
The skipper throws Su and Lou overboard and spends the rest of the movie
cleaning up after their dog.
THE SEVENTH SIGN
No real change, except the Jewish kid gets a little ticked off because
it sounds kind of like Jesus might be trying to convert him.
BODY OF EVIDENCE
After murdering Madonna, Jürgen chops Willem Dafoe into little pieces
again.
THE REPLACEMENT KILLERS
Jürgen and Mira call a truce, then celebrate by eating the tossed salad
they made with all that gunfire.
WING COMMANDER
John Glenn runs over Chris Roberts with a spaceship.
ON DANGEROUS GROUND
When Ingeborga tells him she loves him, Jürgen says, "Baby, you're
the greatest!" and sweeps her off her feet.
JEWELS
Sarah and Joachim marry; then there's a whole blissful hour where you
see nothing but Joachim kicking Phillip's ass all over the estate and
smacking Phillip's ho's around, thank YOU.
THE COP AND THE GIRL
...have a shotgun wedding.
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