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WANT TO ANNOY US? HERE'S HOW!
It's simple. Just send email using the following guidelines:
Make it obvious that you are a pathetic internet surfer who doesn't know who Jürgen Prochnow is and doesn't care, but you stumbled across this website and are sending email in a pitiful bid for attention.
It's not always possible to recognize this type of message, but if you're going to try your luck at least make an effort to avoid dead giveaways, to wit:
Jürgen's name misspelled consistently throughout the message. We're not talking about missing umlauts. Nobody's got umlauts. We only have them because we send a representative down to the corner to beg spare ones off passersby whenever we want to type Jürgen's name.
No, we won't quibble about "Jurgen." We're talking about Jurden, Jurgin, Peahen. If you just grabbed his name off this website to use in an email, you're gonna have to get a way better grip on it than that if you expect to fool anyone into thinking you're a fan of his. Take some pride in your work, dammit.
Claiming your favorite Prochnow movies are DAS BOOT and {insert random insane choice here}. There are some films that one does not sit through more than once just to see Jürgen Prochnow in them, and we know what they are even if you don't. Try again after you've done some research.
Asking stupid questions that you would know the answers to if you had either 1. watched a few Jürgen movies, or 2. bothered to read anything on this website. Of course, this one gets a bit tricky, and we'll play along once with anybody, but you'd better make it a good one.
We once received an email asking whether Jürgen is right- or left-handed. This is a legitimate question even for a real fan, as Jürgen eats and writes right-handed but does everything else left-handed, although you'll often see him holding a pistol in the right. (But if he's doing that, he usually grabs it two-handed if he actually fires the thing.)
The response to our answer was another question: which hand does he use to work a lighter?
Well, now that's just silly. First of all, there aren't too many movies where Jürgen doesn't smoke cigarettes or cigars, so if you are particularly interested in how he does it for some ungodly reason it's easy enough to observe his technique. But more importantly, we detected the start of a horrifying downward spiral here. What's the next question going to be about what Jürgen does with his left hand? We don't want to go down that particular yellow brick road... and besides, Jürgen must be rich. He probably has servants to take care of all that stuff.
While we're at, we'd like to mention that despite the disclaimers on every single page that this is an unofficial, unsanctioned fan site, sometimes people get the idea that we know Jürgen Prochnow or at least have a way of getting to him. If he's ever seen or heard about any of the crap on this site we probably have gotten to him, though we sure didn't mean to - especially not with him being so good with a gun and all. But in any case, don't ask us to pass messages along to him. It wouldn't do you any good. Besides, if we DID post a message to him, it wouldn't be your message, which would probably be boring. We would post something good, like this:
Hey, Jürgen - several goobers wish to say hello to you and send their love. The rest of us love you too but we want to know what the hell happened to JACK THE DOG, which nobody can find on video. Also, please please please get a role in a pirate movie, but don't wear an eyepatch. Thank you.
There... happy now?
Which brings us to another point: don't ask for personal information about Jürgen. We don't have any, because we couldn't care less about Jürgen's personal life, though we mean that in the nicest possible way of course. His birthday is June 10, 1941, he's from Berlin, he has blue eyes and he's a terrific actor. If that's not good enough for you, go bother somebody else. We're busy watching movies.
If you want to write to him try
Jürgen Prochnow
c/o ICM
8942 Wilshire Blvd.
Beverly Hills, CA. 90211
...which should work at least until he hears from enough stalkers to provoke him into getting a new office.
For those who just have to send us silly mail, here's your answer:
Dear Nuckle-Head:
Tank-woo for your message to the Only Second and Way Bestest Jurpen Trochnow Site on the Web!!!!
We would say "HI" to Jurfin for you but it if there's one thing the busy Mr. Proztnow hates, it's his lame-brained fans!
Did you know that Jurpin enjoyed a successful career in grand opera before becoming internationally type-cast in many exciting and well-plotted action movies?! He is also a champion surfer, gourmet fondue chef and one dreamy guy! In his spare time, he enjoys macrame, chugs grain alcohol and gives hula lessons at his A-Frame chateau on the outskirts of Munich! He has been married to Elizabeth Taylor seven times, and a couple of other broads. He has nine false teeth which he picks with his left hand, and his favorite Stooge is Moe!
Jurfen is presently filming a film with a film company on a film set in Duluth Minnesota! I forget the title! Patsy Kensit is in it! His next role will be as a speed bump in POLICE ACADEMY 9!
You're welcome!!
Don't ask for better photos of Jürgen. The ones we got are as good as we could get 'em, kids. Some of the videos were chiseled on stone tablets.
And for heaven's sake, don't ask for copies of the movies. We're not a distributor. The German films (with a few exceptions) just aren't on the market, generally speaking. For English-language movies, check the major video distributors, used-video stores, and Ebay.
So what's left? There's always hate mail, of course. Also love mail. We never object to "Great site!" We'll even let you tell us how much you love Jürgen and his movies. Witty comments that we can steal are always appreciated. So are indecent confessions about the exact physiological effect you experienced at seeing Jürgen shirtless for the first time, which we will really enjoy laughing at. Actual news - new movie coming out, new video being released, whatever - that we haven't heard about yet is as good as gold.
Now, email if you dare... or just go watch some movies.
Love and kisses,
The JPWSFC
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