Jürgen Prochnow Watchdog Society

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THE SAGA OF THE BABES AND THE HO'S

The Saga of the Babes and the Ho's began with the typical flying e-mails. In reference to Peter Coyote's odd little moments in THE MAN INSIDE we started issuing lists of actors we would or would not like to see make a pass at Jürgen in a movie...which devolved into lists of actors we'd like to see Jürgen beat up in a movie...which led to lists of actresses we would or would not like to see as Jürgen's leading lady in a movie. Someone characterized the distinction as that between "babes" and "ho's," and we were off and running.
An independent survey (and it really was an independent survey) produced interesting results. The one actress who showed up on ALL the "babe" lists - and none of us had mentioned her before - was Sigourney Weaver. This constitutes a public mandate to get Weaver and Prochnow hooked up as a couple in a movie, so you screenwriters out there get cracking.
And there was one actress who not only showed up on all the "ho" lists, but was at the TOP of all the ho lists. So there is also a public mandate to get Prochnow into another movie with Uma Thurman so he can beat the snot out of her.
Other popular choices for babes were Fairuza Balk, Helen Hunt, Brigitte Nielsen again, and Ingeborga Dapkunaite again.
Calista Flockhart, Demi Moore, and Liv Tyler got the most calls for ho roles.
Side note: The male actors we'd most enjoy seeing Jürgen punch in the face are Chris Tucker and Keanu Reeves.
As for the rest of it, when we got into script suggestions the Ho theme got so much air time that I felt compelled to separate that material from the other reasons Why We Shud Of Bin Invited to Write All of Juregns Skript's. Pointed Uma-bashing has its own page on this website.
The concept of Jürgen Prochnow in a musical was also very popular (see "All the Boots You Can Eat" for the outline to OH, DAT BOOT: THE MUSICAL). Is it any wonder that every single participant suggested HO, CALCUTTA?
Elsewhere, Jürgen in the title role of THE MUSIC MAN was suggested, eliciting the response "Maaaaaaaarian...you ho' libraaaaaaaaaaarian..." Someday when I give out prizes for the Prochnow-related e-mails that made me laugh the hardest, that'll get the gold. (Well, maybe next to the Jewels-inspired dream. Thank God that thread stopped when it did!)

We should make up titles to keep in mind for when we write our own script for Jürgen:
BABES AND HO'S
MR. SMITH GETS WET (translated from the original German, HERR SCHMIDT GERSPLASHEN)
HEAD-BUTT BONANZA
THE ESKIMO FROM BERLIN
HEINRICH DOES EUROPE
YOU'VE GOT THE GUN, BUT I'VE GOT THE MILITARY AIRCRAFT
and all the preplanned sequels to the smash hit BABES AND HO'S:
GOOD NIGHT, HO
SAYONARA, HO
LATER, HO
SEE YOU AROUND, HO
NO MO' HO
WESTWARD HO, HO

Musicals:
Guys and Ho's
OklaHOma
CarHOsel
Ho of La Mancha
Sunday in the Park with Ho's
Three Ho's in a Fountain

HOME IS WHERE THE HO IS
(Domestic drama with Jürgen as the father of a troubled daughter who returns after years of living in the streets. Quiet and slow-paced, but likely to garner critical praise and some awards)
THE HO WHO LIKED HO-HO'S
(Mystery-suspense with Jürgen as an evil candy shop owner)
HO, CALCUTTA
(Jürgen finishes what he started in KILLING CARS)
HO HO HO, HO
(Christmas holiday slasher film)

I love old movies and Olympic events, how about Hos On Ice
A re-run of the Olympics featuring Tanya (the thug) and Nancy K. (the homewrecker)
H20 Ho
(Remake of of old Esther Williams movie)
I prefer the title "Ho No Mo'"
An uplifting story of a young girl struggling to overcome a life on the streets - you know who will play a Father Flannigan type character.

Jürgen does the classical theater:
Chekhov's THE THREE HOs
(Jürgen gets in the middle of a three-way free-for-all with crazed Russian spinsters)
Ibsen's A HO's HOUSE
(Jürgen perfects his 'weegen accent while slapping his brooding, depressed wife)
Shakespeare's THE TAMING OF THE HO
(kinda self-explanatory, doncha think?)

We need a sequel to BODY OF EVIDENCE in which Prochnow whips the tar out of Teri Hatcher, Lisa Kudrow, Sharon Stone, and Dawn Upshaw (in her feature-film debut). Then he chops Willem Dafoe into little pieces. Marlon Brando has a supporting role as the counsel for the defense.

Halloween 7: Where's Donald Pleasance When You Need Him?
Prochnow slaps around ultra-ho' Jamie Lee Curtis and her homicidal brother takes his revenge. Mike Myers costars as Michael Meyers.
Titanic II: In Deep and Loving It
Low-budget porn starring Prochnow running over Leo Dicaprio with the newly-resurfaced liner. Kate Winslet takes her clothes off and gets wet.

Patsy, who loves to be dragged behind my boat
Then there's Elizabeth who shot me in my throat
And all the sluts of australia's far shores
These are a few of my favorite whores
Rich bitch Annette, I delivered her baby
Asked if she loved me she said, "Sure...well maybe..."
Shoulda just shoved her head thru seven doors
These are a few of my favorite whores
I can't forget Uma, the smarmy slut Marian
Let's just run over her and leave her as carrion
(A pity no cars were in England of yore)
These are a few of my favorite whores
When the sharks bite,
When the gun stings,
When I'm feeling sad
I simply remember to smack up my ho's
And then I don't feeeeeeeeel so bad.

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