Subject: DAS TITANIK
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ALL THE BOOTS YOU CAN EAT
I started a song to the tune of the Brady Bunch theme speculating what would have happened if Das Boot met Titanic (you know - "and then one day when the U-boat met this liner..."). You'll be thrilled to know that I haven't finished the song and may never finish it. You're welcome. In the meantime, I wish I had the equipment to splice the two movies together. Not only would it be a swell film, but it would start a whole new trend: the double sequel. And hideous as the prospect may be, I'd risk it if it would distract Hollywood from 1) putting any more tv series on the big screen and 2) remaking any more classic movies.
I haven't worked it out much. So far all I know is I want shots of passengers hurling themselves off the sinking Titanic cut in with the captain of Das Boot saying, "Why didn't their own ships rescue them? For the love of God, they've had six hours!"... followed by the retreat. ("We can't take prisoners. You know that.")
I figure once that sequence is put together, the rest of the movie will take care of itself.
That'll make the audience cheer when the Titanic goes down...
Aren't you starting to feel that we are morally obligated to see this through?
Oh, the drama.
What are you going to do with YOUR 200 million dollars?
Oh the humanity...
I see a Swiss chalet in my future...
It'll be the greatest tearjerker ever created.
Me, I think I'll buy the Metropolitan Opera. And Ted Turner. I want Ted so I can destroy all his work in the film industry. Colorization and GETTYSBURG shall be wiped from the face of the earth. Ted himself will become Jürgen Prochnow's boot-cleaner, or his Das Boot-cleaner (I'll leave that to Jürgen's discretion).
BUWAHAHAHAHAHA! Don't tell me I don't know how to handle power.
(Okay, try it to the tune of "Indian Love Call.")
Someone requested a musical version of Das Boot. I think Chris Roberts' fine work in Wing Commander makes him the obvious choice for director of Oh, Dem Boots! The Musical, but I am reluctant to hand over the writing to him; he lacks experience. We'll take it from here, Chris, and we'll call you when we're ready for you.
Oh, Dem Boots! must be organized along the lines of a proven formula because musicals are tricky. No formula is more proven than that of Gilbert & Sullivan. Of course, Das Boot has no women except the singer in the saloon, but that won't stop us. While we're improving the story with song & dance numbers we can also improve it with interesting new characters.
Jürgen has never proved on film that he can sing, but he's given some indications that he can't, so he gets the Martyn Green role: comic antics and tongue-twisting patter songs. As he is fortunately very graceful, we can beef up the role by choreographing occasional pratfalls down the ladder in the control room as a terribly funny running joke.
Werner, of course, is the innocent and befuddled lead tenor. A musical would be impossible without a love interest in the form of a lead soprano, so the main action will have to take a backseat to a new plot: Werner, with the assistance of the crew, smuggles that saloon singer on board. And what hilarious complications ensue as they try to keep her out of sight of the other officers on that tiny little submarine! I am gasping for breath just thinking about it.
The chief engineer is the baritone, who is usually the "explainer" in the musical (ref Pish-Tush in The Mikado, the Bosun's Mate in H.M.S. Pinafore, and Don Alhambra in The Gondoliers). The Chief's role is tailor-made for those snappy arias giving the run-down of structural damage in rhyme, accompanied by cute little dances with the crew as chorus, repeating the refrains. I see "Battery Strips" as his big number.
Then there's the mezzo, which is more of a problem. Easily solved by a riotous subplot in which Johann turns out to be a woman who disguised herself in order to join the crew and be near the Captain, whom she loves madly but who doesn't know she's alive. This convenient device serves double duty as the means to a happy ending. Discovering the saloon singer at last, the Captain is furious. But then Johann reveals herself, much to the Captain's chagrin, and he decides the less said, the better.
The court-martial is off, and it's half a bottle of beer for each! HOORAY!!
[Later the title OH, DEM BOOTS was criticized for bad form and it was changed to OH, DAT BOOT to appease the masses. -ed.]
> Werner, of course, is the innocent and befuddled lead tenor. A musical would be impossible without a love interest in the form of a lead soprano, so the main action will have to take a backseat to a new plot: Werner, with the assistance of the crew, smuggles that saloon singer on board.
I don't have a problem with a love interest, per se, but your lack of military experience really shows here. These are SAILORS, Julie, and submariners, to boot (sorry for the pun). Why do you feel the need to involve a woman?
I also think that my use of "per se" automatically qualifies me to be the producer. That means I'll be expecting your credit cards, Dave. Give 'em up.
> Oh, my god. Now my headache is coming back.
I want dibs on "I Am the Very Model of the Fatherland's Submariner"
> By all means. Please!
I am the very model of the fatherland's submariner
The captain of a U-boat, you will never see one darin'-er
You know... daring-er...more daring...? How about
starin' or
wearin' or
sharin' or
pairin' or
bearin' or (now that's a good one. bearing zero-three-zero)
I am the very model of the Fatherland's Submariner
I keep Das Boot's pumps running and make sure there's lots of air in her.
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