It took me a while to decide how I felt about this one. I was crabby about it for the first 40 or 50 minutes, for reasons I'll get into later. By the time it was all over my verdict was this:
Oh, god, I love Jürgen Prochnow! He made this movie just for me, so I hope you will all remind me to send him a really nice present sometime for being in DNA. Maybe one of Anna's Godzillas, if she ever cleans out her tv room. (Hey, I'm just repeating what I heard.)
And which one of you goobers told me this movie was no good? Well, whoever you are, please go get a humor transplant. DNA is the bee's knees.
The movie was Jurassic Park Meets Alien Meets Predator. Actually, this one beats The Fire Next Time by a mile for movie flashbacks, but maybe that's because I'm familiar with more of the movies that were ripped off in DNA, 'cause... well... you know my taste. I listed them while I was watching it:
THE SEVENTH SIGN
THE ISLAND OF DR. MOREAU
THE SAINT
ARACHNOPHOBIA
RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK
JURASSIC PARK (consider this one to be listed
about every 3rd entry)
ANACONDA
THE SILENCE OF THE LAMBS
ROMANCING THE STONE
ALIEN (consider this to be listed about every
3rd entry)
ALIENS (every 5th entry or so)
TERMINATOR 2
RETURN OF THE JEDI
PREDATOR (lots)
Well, you can see there is practically no way to lose with this one, despite the fact that there were only two moments of surprise in it (and no suspense whatsoever. None).
Surprise one was that Jürgen the Mad Scientist did not get killed by his own monster. Surprising indeed, since it was the only mad-scientist movie cliche in the world that they missed. I would boo them for that, except that the way he did get killed was pretty neat, so I didn't feel completely cheated.
Surprise two was that the terribly cute little kid who took up with the good guys - he was the center of the Aliens rip-off, the "Newt" of DNA - got killed toward the end of the movie. Okay, now it's time for boos (all together now, thank you): BOOOOOO!!! Small adorable children with big brown eyes are not supposed to be disposable characters in horror/ sci-fi flicks. I think it's in the Constitution.
Early on, the rather Jody Fosterlike leading lady showed up with a black case with a strip on it that said, "Warning CIA Do Not Touch." Yee-ha!
I mention that she was Jody Fosterlike because that was my first impression. (I'm talking looks, not acting skill. She was adequate; that's about all I can say.) It was also my second impression, after finding out that the character's name was "Claire."
The plot was what you'd expect. Jürgen's a brilliant but cracked scientist who will stop at nothing to realize his two-part dream. First, he wants to be able to re-animate dead things. Second, the dead thing he wants to find so he can reanimate it is... AN ALIEN! Well, it's a bunch of dry bones when you first see it, so you don't know... dinosaur, maybe. It's a bit late in the game when you find out it's an ET, and the moment that fact was revealed was the moment when I decided I was having a total blast with this film. Just for the record.
Up until then I was not having a good time, mostly for Ho reasons. Jürgen showed up right away, and my first thought was, awright! He looks great! My second thought was, awhell! Once again they have put him in THE ONLY TWO COLORS IN THE UNIVERSE THAT DO NOT LOOK GOOD ON HIM. (Actually, it's three, but grant me some license on that one. I'm just trying to make a point here.) I may have become overly sensitive about that from once having spent 6000 hours taking pictures of him off videos, which has scarred me for life. I can almost take the beige/khaki kinda thing, but why oh why do they keep dressing him in gray? Just to be cruel to me, they had him in gray PLAID. (It was probably blue plaid, but it wasn't blue enough. So I say it was gray.)
I don't want to talk about it any more. At least he was never in a lab coat at any time, which would have hurt me bad.
But I had no choice but to obsess over it because I was upset about the role for a while. Too much Mad Scientist, I'm sorry. I was going to lump the director of this, whoever that may be, in with our buddy who was in charge of Robin Hood: The Movie, because nobody else in DNA was acting like that and Jürgen don't do it ordinarily. But then - I swear - I changed my mind. At some point I just had a revelation about the whole thing. Maybe it was when I next saw him after finding out about the ALIEN.
I should have "got it" sooner, because early on I was cheering him for having not one, but two moments in which he smiled very sweetly at people before blowing them away with a gun. It was just wonderful. Though there's no choice but to call the script a bad one Jürgen had some swell lines, and once the story got settled in he was as much pure-T fun in this as I have ever seen him. He looked like he was having a blast with this junk, and he made sure the audience did too. He got fun out of dialog that nobody else could have handled with a fraction of the same grace... but that's Jürgen for you. That's why I watch this crud just to see him. And what's your excuse?
There's one scene that I'm determined to get into the Best Of section if I ever figure out a way to describe it right. It's unbelievable. "Dr. Wessinger" is explaining his philosophy of warfare to somebody who's trying to tell him he's crazy. (Side note: DNA holds the record for most number of times people say "you're insane" in a single script. Must have happened a dozen times.)
Well, explaining your philosophy of warfare isn't the most inspiring material - certainly not in this script. But Jürgen was downright SPRIGHTLY in this scene. It was just - aha! Stream-of- consciousness here... I know what goes on the Best Of page. It was the tap. That's what did it to me. He rolls up a large document rather energetically while talking, and then taps the other person with it to emphasize a point, and it was funny. Okay, just watch it yourself. (Hey, Linda: if you don't think this movie is a hoot and a half, don't ever speak to me again. I loved this guy. Gerhardt gone bad, is what he was. Am I scaring you? Good.)
He also did just about every little bitty thing I love seeing Jürgen do in any role. The "let's go" gesture with the head. The smile while holding a gun on somebody. And the voice. Oh, geez! DNA is where you go to get the biggest dose of Jürgen's patented Seductive Threat. He whispers several threats while staring people right in the eye. Like, "Please don't tell me what to do. It annoys me." Sheer opera.
Also - and what a treat, it's a simple thing but I don't think I've EVER seen this before - he looks someone right in the eye and says, "Shut up!"
I liked it.
Best Line: when the good guys and the bad guys are all together for the first time (and in danger) Jürgen's cronies start to turn on him a bit. He says, "Now I see everybody's speaking up. Well, let's just make one thing clear - this is not Face the F*cking Nation."
The bad news is that he gets killed rather too early. Not early, just TOO early. And it's a bit anticlimactic... he's overtaken by an explosion. But you actually get to see this via special effects, and it's lovely. This movie has some of the best explosions I've ever seen. There were other special effects that weren't done so well, but the nighttime entire-research-complex blowing to smithereens with resulting blazing inferno and fireworks was excellent.
And no... he didn't get wet. I think he was the only person in the movie who didn't. Little joke on the JPWSFC there, no doubt... the filmmakers are onto us, the big ole teasing meanies.
Do sweaty faces count??
You have absolutely got to put "DNA" on Jürgen's best of page ! This was, without a doubt, the MOST fun I have had watching ANY of Jürgen's movies. I could not get over how much fun this movie was. Was it "A Streetcar Named Desire" ? Hell, no. But, it was terrific entertainment. It was B-movie at its' best. I even thought Mark Dacascos was cool ! Where to start ?
Well, you missed the many many references to "Apocalypse Now". You need to add that to the list of movies that "DNA" rips off. I was half expecting to hear the Ride of the Valkyries every time I saw a helicopter in any of the scenes. Oh, and "Rambo II." The kid, although a heavy ripoff of Newt from Aliens was also a ripoff of the woman character who dies in the second Rambo movie. In one of the scenes, her character gives our hero "Rambo" a jade budha (a lot like the kid giving Ash the necklace) then not too long after, she gets killed in an ambush not unlike the kid.
The music was definitely lifted from Raiders of the Lost Ark. I was surprised that there was no rousing hero music. If I were John Williams, I'd sue because too much of the music sounded like the opening scenes from Raiders. Worse yet, dialog - The scene where Jürgen is getting ready to toss Claire into the pit. He says something to the effect of "You haven't chosen your friends wisely, now it will cost you" and into the pit. That line, or the likes of it, were spoken by the character Belloq in Raiders of the Lost Ark. I couldn't believe it. Worse, I was enjoying it.
Continuing with my nitpicking... our heros are out in the rainforest. Out searching for our mysterious insects, out for who knows how long and no one is sweating !! I'm sorry, but all the documentaries I've ever seen of people going through a rainforest, they are all sweating. And not just a little sweat, but buckets of it ! No one starts to remotely sweat until the monster shows up, then we get a little persperation. Jürgen got offed way too soon. You're right, he should have been offed by his own monster.
Jürgen was great. He looked great. But, the voice !!!! oh man, the voice. I tell you you, there aren't a lot of actors who can get away with whispering lines the way he can. He is definitely at his most seductive when he is threatening someone in those low whispers. And he was FUNNY !!!! You were correct about the line "This isn't face the f**king nation." that was great. I also liked "Alex, I'll take Great Civilizations for a hundred dollars."
Claire Claire Claire... goodness, where did they find this woman? I'm sorry, but I sincerely doubt that the CIA is stupid enough to put a piece of tape across a bag that say "CIA, do not open". That was bad. Also, how did she manage to get that stuff through customs ? I hate to say this, but airports are a civilized place now. there are rules as to what can come in and out of a country. Ok, aside that, your next Apocalypse Now reference comes from her. She says that she was sent to deal with the situation by any means necessary, meaning kill the buggers. Which would be a neat trick coming from "a medical doctor". What is she, doctor or assassin? Here she is with all the weapons of mass descruction and she can't hit the side of a barn! Well, I suppose the one good thing is that she didn't scream every other scene. So, I'm grateful for that.
Mark Dacascos was pretty good. I've seen him in the tv show "Crow" a couple of times. He's a pretty good action hero. He did a good job here. I could have done without the let's get native to go out and kill the alien theme. I do not understand what it is with some writers who seem to think that the best way to kill an alien is with bows and arrows and traps and heavy logs ! they did it in Rambo and they did it in Predator.
This is what really good B-movies are all about.