Jürgen gets in trouble dire
In this new thing called HEAVEN'S FIRE
So we must wear flameproof attire
And play on a celestial lyre.
(Well, whaddaya want from someone who spent the first half hour of the day thinking it was still Monday?)
It's plain to me your poetry
Leaves much to be desired.
Your sparking wit has strayed a bit
Concerning HEAVEN'S FIRE.
If Jürgen knew the lengths to which you
Write his web page paean,
He'd kiss your feet and call you sweet
And in his boat you'd be in.
(Okay, so I kinda beat up that poetry muse there toward the end... I also ran outta coffee.)
Ah, what to do, what to do...
I saw this movie at Linda's house, and we were so busy goofing around that I had to watch the tape by myself later to find out what I missed. Which turned out to be quite a lot. I don't think we caught half the plot errors the first time through.
The second time through I made four pages of notes, which beats the old record hands-down. I think I'll forego full dissertation and just hit the highlights.
The movie reeks. It reeks because it makes no sense. It reminded me of INTERCEPTOR in that regard: neat premise, but a really shabby job of pulling it off. HEAVEN'S FIRE is worse, though, because there are more characters and more going on, so you never have a moment to forget that the rest of it is silly; in HEAVEN'S FIRE there IS no "rest of it." Every action and every line is just ludicrous. I insist on thinking the screenwriter paid somebody to get this script produced.
It reminded me of THE OTHER SIDE OF THE LAW in that Jürgen was ensconced in a crowd of horrible actors, with just a couple of exceptions. It reminded me of DNA too. I love watching things with Linda because any time one of us speaks up, it's to express whatever the other is thinking at the moment. The movie started at 8:00. At exactly 8:03 I said, "Okay, this sucks," and she shot back, "This sucks out loud." A few minutes later we were finishing each other's sentences while discussing the theory that this was, in fact, another DNA performance from Jürgen: the script was compost; he knew it all too well; and he was just going with the flow, getting whatever fun there was to be had from it.
I appreciate that very much too, because after a lengthy absence of Jürgen, during which we suffered through one of many POSEIDON ADVENTURE ripoff scenes including yet more sorry attempts at character development, Jürgen finally appeared again and someone blurted out, "Thank God!" Then I realized I was the one who had said it.
Overall the worst thing in this film was the collection of women, particularly the Marion Ross wannabe who played the really irritating old lady in the group of tourists Eric Roberts was trying to lead out of the building. (She survived, much to our disappointment.) Calli Timmins, the Calista Flockhart wannabe - stop it NOW, Calli - was first runner-up in the annoyance department. She was trying to be Superfem, with a little-girl voice and lots of fluttery hand gestures. You have to wince watching her. The Elisabeth Shue-like Venus Terzo as Michelle was better. Not good, but up against those other two she almost seemed good.
If there was a babe in this movie, she was it. That's because
- she was, in fact, Jürgen's babe in the film, and it was such fun watching the two of them suck face in the back of that helicopter.
- her presence provided us with the first real stimulation, 90 minutes into the movie, when it was revealed that she, the villain's moll, was the hero's ex-wife. Whoo-hoo! Well, THAT woke us up. In fact, the entire last half hour of this movie was a blast. Too bad it didn't make up for the first 90 minutes, but they did perhaps cancel each other out. You kind of break even on this one.
Subject: Skittles
I keep forgetting to tell you that when I photo'd Heaven's Mire I got - by sheer accident, I swear - a perfect shot of the Great Skittle Explosion. You want it for a souvenir?
The great skittle explosion? Please elaborate...
During one of the gunfights - Jürgen shot a candy jar full of Skittles, which went flying thru the air with the greatest of ease. I would say that's not one of the more memorable scenes in the film... but I'm not sure that's true.
Oooh yeah, that's right... I thought they were Skittles, you thought maybe M&M's... Does the picture prove one way or the other...
Jürgen... taste the rainbow...
Good grief, if you can tell the difference between a Skittle explosion and an M&M explosion at that distance, I salute you. I merely mentioned M&M's to start a senseless debate... because we needed something to do at the time.
However, I'll send you the photo so you can judge for yourself... and perhaps research the subject by watching the movie again, maybe view the candy debacle in slo-mo. They used so much slow motion in that movie, but not in the one moment where it would have really made a difference... the moment where we might have determined the identity of the official candy of Heaven's Fire, which enquiring minds want to know.
Perhaps they were, as Marv suggested, Prochnow&Laters.
