Flee |
Utter Garbage |
JÜRGENOPOLY
Your turn first. You roll an 8. You land on Robin Hood's estate, which is dirt cheap because Uma comes with the property. Do you want to buy?
Your roll... you rolled a 3 and landed on the heliport... which transports you 6 squares ahead to the Australian Bungalow... kind of expensive, with all the high-maintenance ho's... Will you buy?
You roll 11 and land in The Courtroom. The Courtroom and The Police Station are the "utilities" of Jürgenopoly... If you buy one, you get graft money from any user who lands there. If you own both, you get even more graft money. Do you want The Courtroom?
You roll a 5...uh-oh...you land in the shark tank... you have to pay $200 for reconstructive surgery.
I'll make it up to you... You roll a 10, and land on Uma's Chest with both feet encased in jackboots... So it's a goodie... What does it say???
So... you roll a 6 and land on the German-Czech border. Medium-priced property; you can't build houses or hotels there, and you don't collect very much rent from it. However, when players land there you get to blow up their jeeps and smack their ho's around. Do you buy?
You roll an 8... and land in Chinatown... very pricey, but all the dim sum you can eat. Just stay out of the steamy kitchen. Do you buy??
You roll a 3 and land on Madonna's Chest. The card says, "Go to casting call and take one inappropriate role of your choice." What's it gonna be?
You roll a 3... and land on an auto factory. You have the opportunity to make cars that can conserve energy and make the world a better place, or you can make cars that can run over people without the slightest damage to the suspension... It's your choice if you pick up this property. Do you???
You roll a 5 and land on Sarah's Chest. The card says GO TO LA ROCHELLE FOR U-BOOT REPAIRS. Since I own that, you owe me a docking fee... but I'll waive it if you will help me put up giant banners saying MOVED TO BARBADOS to ward off the bombers.
You roll a 7... and land on the Amazonian Genetics Lab... mid-priced, but if you get it, everyone who lands on it will be chewed up and spat out by some horribly mutated DNA freak.
Tempting, ain't it??
[At this point Willem Dafoe and David Warner join the players. -ed.]
Willem rolls a 7 and lands in Kensit City, which he stupidly purchases. Now anyone else who lands there gets $100 from Willem as a bribe to give Patsy a role in a movie.
Now it's your turn. You roll a 10 and land on expensive Arakis, with lucrative spice mines and big worms. The worms are high in cholesterol, but Worm Jerky is tasty and popular. Do you buy?
After extorting $100 from me in the Courtroom, you roll a 12 and land in the Interrogation Room, where you lose a turn while Jürgen pistol-whips you.
> Good. Glad to see he's doing his job.
Meanwhile David Warner is still recovering from his laceration, so you're up. You roll a 6 and land in a cramped 30's apartment... lots of hiding places, but it's a real fixer-upper. Dirt cheap, but prone to frequent inspections from Nazis in the neighboring squares (JEWELS and THE KEEP). The best part about buying this is, if someone lands on this square, you get to hide with Jürgen in the sofa-bench.
Whaddaya say?
Willem rolls an 8; lands on this same square; buys it; then tries to hide in the sofa-bench with Jürgen, who chops his thumbs off. Whatta maroon!
You roll a 2 and land on Ingeborga's Chest, where your card says you spend the rest of your turn watching Jürgen pelt Roy Scheider with snowballs. No money in it... but it makes a mighty pretty picture.
You roll a 2 and land on The Keep... dank, moldy, but filled with booze and a drunken Jürgen. All other trespassers get thrown into the chasm unless they fork out $300... so it's an expensive property. Buy it?
Willem rolls a 7 and lands on luxury tax... so he has to pay me $75 in tax on that fancy car I made him buy.
Willem will soon be bankrupt - if he doesn't bleed to death first.
You roll a 6 and land on The Standard, a corrupt European newspaper. Fairly expensive, but good income from advertisers and all the fake-nose-and-glasses disguises you can wear. Do you buy?
David Warner is history, so Liz Hurley bravely takes his place. She rolls a 4 and falls into the abandoned quarry lake... she has to do a wet hula for one turn.
You roll a 9 and land in Mexico... bleak, barren, the only revenue comes from the tequila squeezings you sell to rebel bands. On the up side there are occasional snoogy German shepherd sightings. Do you Buy?
Willem Dafoe rolls a 4 and lands in the insane asylum, where he loses a turn while Dr. Wessinger evaluates him... rather painfully.
You roll a 5 and land in Laos, where potential revenue consists of selling tickets to kickboxing matches and whatever change people will throw you for abusing Michael Landon. Do you buy?
Liz finishes her hula in the quarry and rolls a 6. She lands in Dusseldorf and is accosted by a gang of bicycle-riding punkers...
You roll a 12 and land on an international elementary school. Very exclusive and expensive, filled with snot-nosed rich brats. On the up side, you have access to many explosive devices. Buy??
You roll a 3 and land on The Tiger Claw. Pricey, but two advantages: here, your enemies are so stupid you can shake them down for everything they have. If you like, you can also export Pilgrims as target practice for the westerns, or... well, victims for just about ANYTHING, really. Do you buy?
Liz rolls a 4 and lands on Jacqueline Bisset's Chest... the card tells her she's ended up in Sherwood Forest with the reject band of merry men. She loses her turn while fighting off their advances.
You roll a 7 and land in a garage apartment. Light and cozy, if you buy it, anyone else who lands on it has to die for you... what a bargain. Do you buy?
Willem rolls an 8, lands in Laos, and gets his teeth kicked out by Jürgen, eliminating him from the game. You get Willem's money and property - Kensit City and the cramped German apartment.
As Kensit City is no bargain, Patsy takes Willem's place; rolls a 12; and lands in the garage apartment, where she dies for me. Now that Patsy is dead, you do not have to bribe anyone to put her in a movie when they land in Kensit City... May I suggest you renovate by building an airport. Terrorists will pay you to let them infiltrate the airport whenever Air Force One lands there.
Now... you roll a 2 and land on the railroad station from The Cop and The Girl, which is currently loaded with boxcars outfitted as non-functioning bathrooms. These have a good chance of being purchased by the dim-witted residents of TOSOTL.
There is also the possibility of future commodities as boxcars arrive from the train stations in FORBIDDEN (cowering victims), THE MAN INSIDE (slimy news stories for The Standard), ON DANGEROUS GROUND (mercenary terrorists and blonde foreign babes), and THE HUMAN BOMB (talentless actresses).
You might also establish yourself as a key node in a reciprocal route between the stations in TOSOTL and the one in MBROI, as the two stations trade psychotic homicidal maniacs like baseball players.
Do you buy The Cop and the Girl RR Station?
You roll a 9 and oooh, you land on Arakis. Sorry, but I've built a spice-based mouthwash factory to help rid the homeworld of that nasty poison pill aftertaste, so it's gonna cost you a big $250. But at least your breath will be tingly fresh!
You roll a 7 and land in my courtroom... Jürgen the bailiff is about to pummel you senseless unless you grease my palm with money... $200 should be sufficient.
You roll a 4 and you land in Jürgen's Used Boat Yard... there's u-boots and sailboots and speedboots and spaceboots. All this can be yours for a nominal fee... wanna buy?
You roll a 6 and land in Metropolis, where you can use the Janus project to clone beautiful buffed people to put the muscle on anybody you like. It's expensive, though, and you risk having a clone turn on you. Do you buy?
You roll 11 and land on the German-Czech border again... Jürgen has finally beaten the snot out of Roy Scheider and has opened a biathlong camp, where young Nazi/commie sympathizers can practice their marksmanship while shussing down mountain slopes. Ya wanna be his partner?
You roll a 5... and you're in Laos... oops, that just happens to be my property. You either have to pay me $300, or you have to hand-wash Michael Landon's kick-boxing pants... your choice.
You roll a 7 and land on the Bella Donna. You owe me $200 cruise fee, or a drunken Jürgen barfs on the back of your neck.
You roll a 3 and land on your own square... La Rochelle... do you take the opportunity to rebuild the u-boot (and thereby upping the penalty for any schmuck who lands there), or do you weep for the dead and move on?
I need some money, though... so Peter Coyote enters the game and lands in Mexico, where he has to pay me $300 to keep the snoogy German shepherds from shedding on his good suit.
You roll a 6 and land on a huge estate in WWII France. Expensive, but a good location to garner Nazis, insurrectionists, French ho's, and sissy men of all kinds. Do you buy?
I'm in need of some cash now, so Ingeborga enters the fracas... she lands in Laos and has to purchase much-needed air tanks from me... $300, thank you very much... and I'll throw in some flippers too.
You roll a 10 and land in an abandoned tin mine in Canada... it's a good hiding place... only visited by remorseful mounties once a year. Do you buy?
[To be continued - if anybody ever has THIS LITTLE to do again in the future.]
| HOME PAGE | UTTER GARBAGE |
All original written material is copyrighted ©1999-2001 by Swine Flew Publications. All rights are reserved. If you like the writing that much, you can copy it, repost it, use it in your term paper, whatever. We don't care. But if you take credit for it or sell it, we're comin' to get ya.