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Jürgen
"Jürgen" rhymes with nothing
Otherwise I'd write a song
Singing Jürgen, Jürgen, Jürgen
I could watch him all night long
Oh I know he plays the bad guy
With the evil icy stare
But he's waterproof and German
And he still has all his hair.
You know why I did that? Because I couldn't think of a cheer that "Jürgen Prochnow" would fit into.
[Well, it almost meets the challenge.
"Jürgen Prochnow" isn't there in full, but we'll accept it...
'cause Lori scares the crap out of us.
Thank you, Lori. -ed.]
Jürgen never waited for an Oscar, he made B movies instead
And before long, he was filming DNA
Now I'm watching yet another awful movie
Well, believe me... this has been one lousy day.
Jürgen's parts are frightening in the dark
All the Babes are running wild
Ingeborga is very hard to rhyme
I'm afraid that it's perplexed me
But she proves your Ho/Babe theory
And I really hope she'll be co-starring again
Or no...
I recall a German submarine sinking through the waves
On the bottom 'round the Med
Singing "Tipperary" while they wait,
To see if they will make it, or be dead.
Jürgen's parts are frightening in the dark
All the Ho's are running wild
Someone let Uma out again
I'm afraid that she might sue me
But she proves your Ho/Babe theory
Cause Jürgen getting dumped really makes me mad
Oh no..
Jürgen's parts are frightening in the dark
What a crummy movie this turned out to be
Someone left poor Jürgen in the rain
I don't think that I can take it
Cause it looks like he's gonna get it
And we all know it's in the back again,
Oh no !! Oh no!!
Bitten in ze butt
Got an awful tear
Took a little nibble
From my derriere
I will get you in ze end, shark.
You'll regret you bit me, chum.
Oh, I am so irritated
I got bitten in ze bum!
THE ENGLISH PATIENT
A long, slow romance.
Jürgen chops off Willem's thumbs.
Wake up for that part.
DAS BOOT
Boredom, moldy bread.
Depth charges! ALAAARRRRRM!!!
Damn those British planes.
THE KEEP
A moody movie.
See the back of Jürgen's head.
Now see it some more.
ROBIN HOOD
Uma is a bitch.
Patrick Bergin deserves her.
Smack her next time, Jürg.
INTERCEPTOR
Why can Jürgen fly
A brand-new high-tech fighter
But not cargo planes?
THE COP AND THE GIRL
You should have made her
A ho instead of a babe.
Now you're all shot up.
TRIGGER FAST
Jürgen is a dude
Who gets killed very early.
Turn it off. Rewind.
GUNS OF HONOR
Fight, sneak, spit, shoot guns,
Sneer, cuss, squint, stare, ride a horse -
And where is Jürgen?
KILLING CARS
Drive a snazzy car.
Mess around with lots of ho's.
This film has it all.
BEVERLY HILLS COP II
Kiss Brigitte Nielsen.
Get killed seven different ways.
Are you sure you're dead?
AIR FORCE ONE
Jürgen has no lines.
Petersen, what is the point?
I don't know either.
TWIN PEAKS
Jürgen slaps his knee.
Wolfgang Petersen must have
Recommended him.
ON DANGEROUS GROUND
I don't have enough
Syllables to name Inge-
borga Dapkuna-
JUDGE DREDD
End justifies means.
Can't control your protege?
Watch out for robots!
A DRY WHITE SEASON
This is the movie
That needed Uma Thurman
To play the speedbump.
KILL CRUISE
Don't ever do the
Hula with Patsy and Liz
Again, ok Jürg?
THE FOURTH WAR
Your Russian is bad
But you've got the sneer down pat
And clean boots to boot.
IN THE MOUTH OF MADNESS
You were creative
And darn near omnipotent...
So where were the ho's?
THE MAN INSIDE
An ugly disguise
Is no substitute for some
Real stupid villains.
THE SEVENTH SIGN
Whoever did the
Lighting for this movie should
Die a screaming death.
PASSION AND VALOR
Evil Prince Charming,
Kick-boxing is not your bag.
Stick with the hula.
THE FIRE NEXT TIME
You tried to be nice
And lost Bonnie Bedelia.
Next time, screw Nelson.
BODY OF EVIDENCE
You killed Madonna.
That's the way to treat a ho!
Too bad you got caught.
HURRICANE SMITH
Ho's, guns, drugs, ho's, pimps,
Cars, ho's, boats, explosions, ho's,
This is the police!
LIE DOWN WITH LIONS
(You can make Jürgen
Look bad or give him a small
Part. you can't do both.)
THE REPLACEMENT KILLERS
A shot in the head
Is worth six scattered through the
Rest of your body.
THE HUMAN BOMB
Are you sure you want
To take Patsy on a date
After Kill Cruise, hon?
WING COMMANDER
Shhh. Ping! BLAM! ALAAAAAAAAAAARM!
I am having deja vu.
Pass the moldy bread.
JEWELS
This movie needs a
Midwife, Scarlett O'Hara,
And a man somewhere.
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