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WHY WE SHUD OF BIN INVITED TO RITE ALL OF JUREGNS SKRIPT'S
> Jürgen is heavy in the conspirator/murderer category...he's gettin' typecast.
I think if he played a drunken and philandering, yet sympathetic, aristocratic, torturing, murderering, thieving, conspriatorial Nazi military officer who sounds like a German but isn't - and gets soaked during the movie and is shot to death at the end of it - THAT would be typecasting.
after THE SEVENTH SIGN: Dracula
"I can't die again. I wish I could."
after JUDGE DREDD: Richard Nixon
"I'll accept your decision and resign."
After DUNE: Butch Cassidy
"I should have married you."
After IN THE MOUTH OF MADNESS: The Wizard of Oz
"I used to think I was making all of this up."
After BEVERLY HILLS COP II: The prosecutor in MIRACLE ON 34TH STREET
"Kill him. Burn him. Blow him away."
After A DRY WHITE SEASON: the psychiatrist in DRESSED TO KILL
"Don't ever open that door without knocking!"
After DAS BOOT: Bill in TWISTER
"DAMN this stinking weather!"
After HURRICANE SMITH: Rhett Butler
"Don't show your temper to me, you lying, doublecrossing bitch!"
After THE ENGLISH PATIENT: Norman Bates
"It's not much. Just milk and finger sandwiches."
After THE FOURTH WAR: the hillbilly in DELIVERANCE
"Clean that spot off my boot. With your tongue. Higher. Higher..."
[That last one caused quite an uproar. (Someone pointed out that it should have been "Clean that spot off das boot.") -ed.]
kindly old toymaker
drag queen
goofy, loveable father of ten
sidekick to Mickey Rooney
fun-loving, supportive next-door neighbor
impish wise man who speaks in rhyme
the lead in a film biography of Paul Williams
PSYCHO V: COME AND GET IT
Prochnow is gummed to death by Norman Bates. Louise Fletcher costars.
JAWS 6: THE SHARK HAS PRETTY TEETH, DEAR
Prochnow wrestles the shark onto the beach and then kills it by driving
a car back and forth over it. Roy Scheider has a supporting role as the
owner of a Sno-ball stand.
ROCKY 22: SLY IS GETTING $487,000,000,000,000 FOR THIS SEQUEL
The Italian Stallion goes up against a professional kickboxer (guess
who). Prochnow ends up in orbit around Neptune.
ROBIN HOOD: YOU CAN NEVER HAVE TOO MUCH ROBIN HOOD
Last time, we saw "Robert Hode" turn into "Robin Hood" after being
outlawed by a baron for insulting him. This time Prochnow gets the
lead as Robert Holmes, a brilliant detective who is outlawed after
catching a duke (Ray Walston) flagrante delicto with a scullery maid
(Kate Winslet). Holmes changes his name to Hoover and terrorizes
the countryside with a gang of surveillance experts. Fran Drescher
costars as Maid Marian.
A STREETCAR NAMED DESIRE
Sigourney Weaver can be Schtella.
DIE HARD IV
He can be the German cousin of the German brother of the German guy
Bruce Willis killed in the original DIE HARD.
OKLAHOMA!
The ultimate Judd, don't you think?
FIVE EASY PIECES
He can have Nicholson's role, and Helen Hunt can replace Karen...
oh... I really have to go lie down for a minute...
The Sound of Music - "Sing 'Eidelweiss' one more time and I'll run all of you over with the car!"
Villie Vonka: The Gobstoppers of Death
MY FAIR LADY
And who should play Liza but Uma Thurman? Jürgen flogs her until she
learns some manners.
SINGIN' IN THE RAIN
He can have Donald O'Connor's role and make 'em laugh.
THE WIZARD OF OZ
In this update, the tin man (Prochnow) is gypped by the wizard and
is so upset about it that he axes Dorothy (Calista Flockhart) and
runs off with the Wicked Witch of the West (Sigourney Weaver).
OLIVER! In the title role, thank you very much. "Please, sir...I want some more." Boy for sale.
A GERMAN IN PARIS
BRIGABOOT
THE BUNDVAGON
SINGIN' IN THE REICH
GOOD MORNING PROCHNOW
A morning news & schmooze program whose primary purpose is to help
viewers lose weight by skipping breakfast. Jürgen, co-host Brad
Dourif and special guests provide the necessary incentive to push
that plate away!
WHEEL OF TORTURE
Miss the puzzle, and your opponent gets to choose whether Jürgen
racks you or gives you 50 lashes. Fun for the whole family.
SEASONS IN THE SUN
A soap opera in which you can see an entirely new cast every week,
since Jürgen plays the chief surgeon at the local hospital.
PROCHNOW'S PLAYHOUSE
A children's show which teaches kids to be very, very, very good
unless they want to spend their after-school hours locked in Daddy's
old army trunk...or worse.
JÜRGEN!
An hour program which covers important social issues of the day.
Jürgen interviews all the guests already seen that week on THE
JERRY SPRINGER SHOW, THE JENNY JONES SHOW, and RICKI LAKE. Then
he runs over them with a car.
Blitzkrieg at the UK Corral
Showdown at Deutsch Flats
My Fatherland - The Good, The Bad, and the Ugly
My Deutschland, Reich the Wrongs
> and I still don't understand that stoopid picture...unless they ran out of degrading things to do to jürgen, and they just needed an ending... grrrrr
Run out of degrading things to do to Jürgen? That's criminal.
The most obvious solution would be to have him drinking on the yacht the way he was drinking in the bar. That would give him an excuse to vomit on himself, wet his pants, get a little too cuddly with the dog in bed before waking up enough to realize who is french-kissing him, and do a riotous comedy scene in which he drunkenly attempts to give himself an insulin shot and sticks the needle in his ear and up his nose before forgetting what he was doing and trying to use it to darn his socks.
> I'd pay good money to see that!
A special edition box set, "The Bloody Interview Collection"
HURRICANE SMITH, A DRY WHITE SEASON, THE ENGLISH PATIENT, IN THE MOUTH
OF MADNESS, INTERCEPTOR, ROBIN HOOD: THE MOVIE
And for the serious connoisseur, "The Water Collection" (to include
getting splashed, rained on, and dunked)
DAS BOOT, THE SEVENTH SIGN, KILLING CARS, HURRICANE SMITH, THE FOURTH
WAR, INTERCEPTOR, KILL CRUISE, THE COP AND THE GIRL, THE MAN INSIDE
For fans on a budget, a smaller collection: "Jürgen On A Boat"
DAS BOOT, HURRICANE SMITH, KILL CRUISE, PASSION AND VALOR, THE FIRE
NEXT TIME
For real cheapskates: "Jürgen Stares At The Ocean"
THE SEVENTH SIGN, DUNE
For the truly pathetic: "Jürgen near a kid playing with a toy boat"
JEWELS
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