UMA, GO HOME

How Jürgen should kill Uma...

THE ENGLISH PATIENT II:
He chops her thumbs off, then runs over her with a car.

ROBIN HOOD II:
He drop-kicks her off the castle turret, then runs over her with a car.

THE AVENGERS II:
He smothers her with a giant teddy bear, then runs over her with a car.

HURRICANE SMITH II:
He serves her a shark fillet and she chokes to death on a bone. Then he runs over her with a car.

PULP FICTION II:
After she goes into cardiac arrest, he grabs an icepick instead of a syringe and jams it into her heart. Then he runs over her with a car.

DAS BOOT II:
He runs over her with a submarine.

KILLING CARS II:
He drops a car on top of her. Then he runs over her with a car.

---

A ballad for Jürgen

To Uma

I'm wet and I'm scuzzy but you are a ho
And after I catch you we'll see you no mo'
Oh Uma, dear Uma, you've been mean to me
Like Patsy, I'll drag you along the blue sea
And while you are bobbing there under the moon
I'll shoot you with pistols, and then a harpoon
We'll find a nice beach on an island afar
And there I will flatten you out with a car
Then back in the ocean your body will go
Goodbye, my dear Uma, my lovelight, my ho!
I won't shed a tear as I bid you adieu
I'll just laugh at the sharks out there going, "Eeyew!"

---

There was an old Jürgen who lived in a Keep
He had so many ho's that he couldn't sleep
He fed them on shark steaks and green liverwurst
And whenever he smacked them, he smacked Uma first.

---

And a couple of honorable mentions for Sarah:

All his bags are packed,
He's ready to go,
He's standing there
Without that ho.
He's waving at her back to say goodbye.

But the dawn is breaking
It's early morn,
Her limo's waiting
And blowing its horn.
If he gets the chance he'll stab her in the eye.

"So kiss me and smile for me
Tell me that you still love me.
If you don't I'll hit you with my caaaaarrrrr.
I'm weaving in and out lanes,
Don't know if I can cause her pain."

Oh babe, I hate you sooooooooo.

---

Cars speeding right above you
Bet now you wish you'd meant that "I love you"
But it just doesn't matter no mo'
I'm running over you, ho

Stars fading, but I linger on here
Still watching you bleed
I'm waiting until you are gone, dear
Till then I will speed

Wheels spinning on your head, bitch
Arms on the road and legs in a side ditch
I'm finally enjoying you so.
I'm running over you, ho.

 

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